


By Your Side, No Matter the Tide

by Perpetual Motion (perpetfic)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Because of course he is, Kind of angsty, M/M, Post-Episode: s17e23 Heartfelt Passages, alternate episode ending, bingo prompt, brief mentions of Mike Dodds being alive, but mostly our boys being so in love, but within the bounds of the ep, prompt fest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23939749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetfic/pseuds/Perpetual%20Motion
Summary: After Rafael identifies his attacker, he and Sonny talk in more depth than we saw on-screen.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 106
Collections: April 2020 Barisi Bingo





	By Your Side, No Matter the Tide

"Still want to be an ADA?" Rafael asks, the heavy sigh in his voice the only hint of how stressed he is to have just identified the man who's been threatening him.

"I've been thinking about it," Sonny says.

"I hear there's an opening in Brooklyn."

Sonny turns to look at Rafael, unsurprised that Rafael is watching him. He takes a few steps before turning to face Rafael fully. "Brooklyn, huh?"

"I know it's not quite as glittering as Manhattan, but it's nice," Rafael replies. 

Sonny glances around the squad room. He stares for a moment at the 'Good Luck, Dodds,' sign resting on the recycling bin. "It's gonna be awhile before Dodds is back on his feet," he says, "and I'm not even sure he's gonna wanna come back to our squad after what's happened."

"I think he will," Rafael says. "I think SVU's given him something more meaningful than he ever knew was possible."

Sonny looks at Rafael again and feels himself smile a little. "Speaking from experience, Counselor?"

The tired lines at Rafael's eyes disappear for a moment when he smiles. "Yeah," he says. "I am."

Sonny blinks a few times, surprised to hear Rafael admit that in the middle of the squadroom. "Oh. Wow."

Rafael takes a deep breath and reaches into his blazer. He pulls out a folded sheaf of papers and hands them to Sonny. "It's not ideal, in the midst of death threats and a near-miss with Dodds, but I don't know that ideal is what I should be striving for right now."

Sonny takes the papers and unfolds them. He skims the first sheet, goes still, and then lifts it to see the second and third. "A letter of recommendation from you, from Rita, and from Barth?" He stares at Rafael, completely at a loss for words.

"If you want to stay here, stay here," Rafael says quietly. "I'm sure Rita and Barth will re-date their letters when you're ready."

"Why do you have these?" Sonny asks, holding up the papers. "Have you just been walking around waiting to drop them on me?"

Rafael's breath is shaky when he takes it in. "If I overstepped, I'm sorry." 

Sonny folds the letters back up and tucks them into his own suit jacket. "Come on," he says and leads Rafael away from the middle of the room. There's a tiny, disused office at the end of the hall, and Sonny shuts the door firmly behind them after they enter. When he turns around, Rafael's watching him, all pretense stripped from his person. He looks exhausted and terrified on more than one level. 

"C'mere," Sonny says, holding out a hand. 

Rafael steps up against him, rests his face against Sonny's shoulder, and breathes in like he might break. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the threats, but I didn't know how," he says.

"That's not the conversation I want to have right now," Sonny replies, nosing into Rafael's hair and tightening his hug."Tell me why you're carrying those letters."

"Being a cop is dangerous," Rafael says. His hands tighten in the back of Sonny's jacket. "They've never threatened you. I think they don't realize who we are to each other. But if you're protecting me--and I know you will--they might hurt you. And I'd rather you be in Brooklyn and out of their sight than walking next to me the next time they try something."

Sonny lets Rafael's words sink in. He breathes in slowly and carefully in order to give himself time to think. "You really think I wanna be in the next borough over the next time they come at you?" he asks, unable to stop the anger from lacing his voice. "You think I want to have to fight my way to you and wonder if you're gonna die on the way to the hospital like I had to for Mike? Do you have any idea how terrified I am to let you out of my sight right now?"

"Sonny--"

"No. Shut up." Sonny takes a half-step back so Rafael can see his face. "Rafael, for fuck's sake. You could have died six months ago, and I would have found out I could have maybe saved you if you'd told me what was going on. And then I had to stand there while you told me and Amanda at the same time, like we're just colleagues and not…" Sonny closes his eyes tightly and struggles to get his breathing under control. "Mike took a bullet that should have hit me, and I couldn't stop that. I couldn't know that was going to happen. But you walked around with a target on your back and put yourself at risk--put _me_ at risk--when I could have been helping you."

"They haven't come after you," Rafael says. "I really don't think they--"

"You're a fucking idiot, Rafael," Sonny interrupts, pulling him back in for another tight hug. "It's not about them coming for me directly. They're coming for _you_. And if they got you. God. Rafael, if they got you...I barely kept my shit together at the hospital with Mike, and he's just a friend. You. You're…"

Sonny runs out of words and simply presses his face into Rafael's hair. He breathes in the smell of his shampoo and feels the uneven flex of Rafael's hands as he clenches and unclenches his hands in Sonny's jacket. "I love you," Sonny manages to say in a whisper. "I know we've only hinted at it. I know we've both been pretending like this is something simpler than it is. But fuck it. I love you so goddamn much, Rafael, and if you'd died, and I'd found out after I could have saved you, I...I cannot imagine a worse grief. I would rather die standing next to you than survive because I'm too far away to save you. You don't get to decide where I'm standing, okay? If you'd been honest when the threats started, maybe I'd give you more leeway, but now? Fuck you. I'm staying right here."

Rafael is quiet for a long moment. "I meant it the other night when I said I felt safe with you in that bar," he says, turning his head so he can be sure Sonny hears him. "That's why I got the letters. I wanted--I _needed_ \--to know you'd be safer because it made me feel safer." Rafael presses a kiss to Sonny's neck, then takes a step back so they can see each other again. "I love you, too. I don't know how I'll apologize for lying. I didn't mean to. I just…" He shrugs and sighs and presses his hands against his eyes. "I'm sorry," he says. "I'm sorry."

"Sign the disclosure forms with me," Sonny says. 

"What?!" Rafael stares at Sonny in shock. "You can't--"

"I feel safer if they know that I'm not just protecting you as a colleague," Sonny says. "I want them to know that they're not just getting through some officer they may be able to bribe. They'll have to get through me."

Rafael swallows hard. "Sonny." He shakes his head and stares around the tiny room they're in. "If they hurt you. That's...that's my worst grief, Sonny. If they hurt you because they know you're with me."

"I won't promise that we'll make it out of this unscathed," Sonny says. "But we'll both feel safer while it's happening. Because we'll both know exactly where we stand."

Rafael considers that for a moment. He looks at Sonny's face, reading the resolve and the determination and the love. "There's no chance you're going to Brooklyn no matter what I say, is there?"

"No."

Rafael breathes deep and watches Sonny match his action. "Okay," he says quietly. "Okay," he repeats a little louder. 

"Okay," Sonny replies, giving Rafael a hard-edged but sweet smile. He steps forward and presses a soft kiss to Rafael's mouth. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Say it again."

Rafael is both surprised and unsurprised at his laugh. He would have thought that today of all days, he couldn't possibly laugh, but then, it's Sonny. Who has such a knack for making it happen. "I love you, too," he repeats. "I love you, too."

Sonny kisses him one more time. "Stay with me tonight," he says. "We'll stop by the hospital to say hi to Mike, let him be the first to know we're disclosing officially. It'll cheer him up, and then we can go back to my place, and we'll order in and go to bed early."

"Yes," Rafael says. "I want all of that."

"Me, too," Sonny replies, and he keeps a hand pressed to Rafael's back as they leave the tiny room and go to gather their things.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, M, for the beta!


End file.
